游泳池抱摔

❶ 求英語小笑話字不多無所謂，但是要50來個，不要重復大哥大姐快幫忙，知道幾個說幾個啊！！！！

Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.

老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理。現在，誰給我舉個例子？

約翰：嗯，在夏天天都長，在冬天天都短。

Best time
Teacher:When is the best time to pick the fruit form the trees?
Student:When the watchman is not there.

1.Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
2.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
3.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

Endearingterms可愛的稱呼
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Bernie應邀來到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家,Bernie發現,不管問他老婆什麼問題,Morris總要在每句話的前面加上一些親密的稱呼,象蜜糖,我的愛人,親愛的,甜心等等。Bernie對Morris說,「你們夫妻倆真夠親密的,結婚這么多年了,你還叫她叫得那麼親密。」Morris低下頭,小聲地對Bernie說,「老實跟你說吧,三年前我忘記老婆的真名是什麼了。」

我把他吊起來讓他晾乾
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天,他們沿著醫院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區,他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潛到水底,把Jim拉了上來。
當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為後,他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室,「Mary,我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,這說明你的意識已經恢復了,你可以出院了。壞消息就是,Jim,你救的那個病人,他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。」
Mary說:「他沒有自殺,是我把他吊起來好讓他晾乾。」

allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。

Itworked真的有效
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Tom早上老起不來,所以上班總是遲到。他的老闆非常生氣,警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚。於是,Tom去看醫生,醫生給了他一顆葯丸並告訴他要在睡覺前服下這顆葯。Tom照醫生的話做了,睡得非常之好,事實上,他在早上鬧鍾響之前就起來了。Tom從容不迫地吃完早餐,然後興高采烈地開車上班去了。
「老闆」,Tom說,「那葯真管用,我的睡眠好極了!」
FiveHundredTimes五百遍
In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."
在中西部一個大城市的交通法庭里,一位年輕女士被帶到法官面前,她由於開車闖紅燈被開了罰單。女士向法官解釋,她是一名學校老師,請求法官馬上處理她的案子,以便可以趕回去上課。法官眼中閃過一絲狡黠,說道:「你是學校的老師,對嗎?女士,我馬上要實現我畢生的願望了。在那張桌子旁坐下,寫『我開車闖了紅燈』500遍。」

Sharing the Apples
Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.

So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.
Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I』d have given you the large one and had the small one myself.

Well, said Harry, that』s what you』ve got, so what are you worrying about?
分蘋果
媽媽給了哈里兩個蘋果，一個大一點，另一個小點兒。跟妹妹分著吃。媽媽說。

所以，哈里就把小個的給了妹妹，自己開始啃那個大個的。

哼，妹妹說，如果媽媽給了我，我會把大的給你，把小的留給自己的。

對呀，哈里說，你拿到的不就是小的嗎？還著什麼急呀？

Frog

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, Now I'll show you

this frog in my pocket. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a

chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,

That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.

青蛙

老師正在給學生上生物課：現在，我將要給你們看我袋子里的這只青蛙。接著，他把手伸進口袋，卻拿出了一份雞肉三文治。老師滿臉困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一會兒，說道：真奇怪。我明明記得我已經把午飯吃掉了。

An Ugly Woman

Mike: My aunt was very embarrassed when she was asked to take off her mask at the party.

Mary: Why was that?

Mike: She wasn't wearing one.

醜女

麥克：一次舞會上，當大家要求我姑姑拿掉她的面具時，她非常尷尬。

瑪麗：為什麼會那樣呢？

麥克：她根本就沒有帶面具。

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一隻鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
「是什麼鳥呢？」我姐姐問她。
「我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。」那孩子回答說。
「那麼，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？」我姐姐鼓勵她道。
「哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。」
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」
「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。

-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？

-- 墓地守墓人。
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個打贏的吧

-- 服務員，

這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。

-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。

英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

❷ 男子在游泳池摔斷脖子

需要看游泳館是否盡到安全義務，否則可以申請賠償。
1、在游泳池摔斷脖子，屬於人身損害賠償糾紛。
2、人身損害賠償有賠償項目，但是沒有賠償數額標准。必須理解一個概念：即法律不是簡單化、模式化的，法律要面對的是復雜情況多變的客觀社會現實。賠償數額必須考慮方方面面的因素，不可能規定溺亡的一律賠多少萬，交通肇事死亡一律賠多少萬。
3、泳池洗公共場所，國家有關管理機關有頒布相關的強制性經營、管理規章。如泳池管理者對此事故的發生存在未盡到安全保障義務的情形，則應當承擔侵權責任！
侵權責任法第三十七條 賓館、商場、銀行、車站、娛樂場所等公共場所的管理人或者群眾性活動的組織者，未盡到安全保障義務，造成他人損害的，應當承擔侵權責任。
4、人身損害賠償的項目有：主要為：喪葬費、被扶養人生活費、死亡補償費以及受害人親屬辦理喪葬事宜支出的交通費、住宿費和誤工損失等其他合理費用。
最高人民法院關於審理人身損害賠償案件適用法律若干問題的解釋
第十七條受害人遭受人身損害，因就醫治療支出的各項費用以及因誤工減少的收入，包括醫療費、誤工費、護理費、交通費、住宿費、住院伙食補助費、必要的營養費，賠償義務人應當予以賠償。
……
受害人死亡的，賠償義務人除應當根據搶救治療情況賠償本條第一款規定的相關費用外，還應當賠償喪葬費、被扶養人生活費、死亡補償費以及受害人親屬辦理喪葬事宜支出的交通費、住宿費和誤工損失等其他合理費用。
5、各項目費用的計算：
醫療費根據醫療機構出具的醫葯費、住院費等收款憑證，結合病歷和診斷證明等相關證據確定。賠償義務人對治療的必要性和合理性有異議的，應當承擔相應的舉證責任。
喪葬費按照受訴法院所在地上一年度職工月平均工資標准，以六個月總額計算。
被扶養人生活費根據扶養人喪失勞動能力程度，按照受訴法院所在地上一年度城鎮居民人均消費性支出和農村居民人均年生活消費支出標准計算。被扶養人為未成年人的，計算至十八周歲；被扶養人無勞動能力又無其他生活來源的，計算二十年。但六十周歲以上的，年齡每增加一歲減少一年；七十五周歲以上的，按五年計算。
被扶養人是指受害人依法應當承擔扶養義務的未成年人或者喪失勞動能力又無其他生活來源的成年近親屬。被扶養人還有其他扶養人的，賠償義務人只賠償受害人依法應當負擔的部分。被扶養人有數人的，年賠償總額累計不超過上一年度城鎮居民人均消費性支出額或者農村居民人均年生活消費支出額。
死亡賠償金按照受訴法院所在地上一年度城鎮居民人均可支配收入或者農村居民人均純收入標准，按二十年計算。但六十周歲以上的，年齡每增加一歲減少一年；七十五周歲以上的，按五年計算。

❸ 馬來西亞兩少年泳池邊做後空翻頭先著地死了嗎

1、是假新聞，國外的YouTube有14秒完整版的，兩個孩子都沒事，很快自己出了泳池。

2、現在國內轉來轉去的都是6秒和7秒的，不可信。

❹ 世界體壇，有哪些巔峰期近乎無敵的運動員

這個太多了，先說說咱們中國運動員吧！

張怡寧：

有個段子是這樣說的，張怡寧的女兒拿了她的一塊銀牌在手裡玩兒，張怡寧看到之後立刻從女兒的手裡哄了過來，張怡寧對女兒說：「媽媽這里這么多金牌你隨便玩兒，就是這唯一的銀牌要留給媽媽作紀念！」

這個段子的真實性不得而知，但是不得不承認，巔峰時期的張怡寧，無人能敵。還記得為了友好的關系，故意要讓福原愛一球的情節嗎，對張怡寧來說，讓球也很難，因為實力不允許啊！

這樣的運動員是在太多了，譬如籃球之神喬丹，球王貝利，馬拉多納，不勝枚舉！向這些優秀的運動員致敬！